ON THE BLOG-- HEALING YOURSELF IS HARD

As I thought about what to write this weeks blog post on I was thinking about "happy" posts I could do. Something lighthearted and almost pointless, but I kept coming back to last weeks post. All of you loved "How I knew I was marrying the wrong man." But, I realized that I kinda left all of you hanging. I made it seem as though after I realized he wasn't right for me and things ended that everything was okay. And that is a bold faced lie. There was nothing okay about me. I layed in my apartment for two whole weeks just crying about how cheated I felt.

Just hours after we broke things off I went for a walk. I walked for what felt like forever in the silent snow in Rexburg, Idaho. And once I felt kinda better, I kept walking I cried and kept crying and just kept crying. I felt so cheated, used, abused, and stupid. I had convinced myself that fighting was normal, a one sided love was normal, and only being wanted because of your "hot butt" was normal.

I told myself that the grabbing, tugging, and bad self talk was acceptable because someone else loved me "enough". And yet, he couldn't pick up yogurt from the store of me. He couldn't make soup from a can while I was sick, and he wouldn't even pretend to know me on campus. I had to force him to hold hands with me I public, and I was always the one to say I love you, first and last and sometimes the only one to say it.

So after all the angry workouts, and crying was over, I came home. I returned home from school and took a break from boys all together. (that didn't last very long seeing as I am found "attractive") I decided to get two jobs and keep myself busy with work and school. And soon after I was called multiple times by the once emotionally unavailable guy that was my ex fiancé. The begging that ensued almost made me feel bad.

 HE thought he was ready for things that he once wasn't ready for, and yet we were 867 miles apart. There was no way to know if his promises were tur and that he wasn't just wanting me as a late night booty call. After many long talks about how we couldn't be together he finally accepted the fact that I had moved on. but, through all of that all the old bones were dug back up.

I began thinking that I could maybe make it work this time. We once loved each other and maybe he was in a place now where he could be emotionally available. I made excuses for him, talked him back up in my mind, and all of a sudden stopped. I knew that there was someone better for me out there. And shortly after the conversation with him that ended everything, my amazing boyfriend called and comforted me. And really, the rest is history now.