ON THE BLOG -- I THOUGHT SEX RUINED LOVE FOR ME.

OKAY BLOG FAMILY. This time we are talking about SEX. I know that’s going to immediately make several of you uncomfortable, honestly, I have battled with this topic and blog post for a while. I felt though that it was time that I talked about it.

I want to be clear when I start this. I know several people married and unmarried that are sexually active. And that is totally your business. I also know many people who have been sexually active inside the church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints without being married, and that is totally youre business. I hope for those of you that fall into any or all of those categories, that you will relate and learn from my experiences.

I will unshamefully say that I had sex with someone before I was married. I am a faithful member of the church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day saints. I am active in all of my responsibilities inside and outside the church and having had sex before marriage didn’t change that. I know what some of you are thinking in your head, “I thought Mormons couldn’t have sex before marriage?” “Don’t you get kicked out of the church if you have sex before youre married?” And I’m here to put all your questions to rest. 

As members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints we firmly believe that sex should be between those who are legally and lawfully married. We believe it is for the bringing forth of children and the expressing of love between spouses. And as someone who has experienced the tender connection of love, I can honestly say that I agree. I wish I could sit here and tell you that I was ready for all the emotional baggage that comes with having sex. That having sex was going to make Him love me more, but it didn’t. It truthfully made things harder.

I will never say that I regret my decision, but since that experience I have learned so many things. Some about myself, some about love, and some strictly about sex. For the purpose of this blog post I will only talk about the things it taught me about myself and love. I will narrow my topics down to three main bullet points.

1.       Sex isn’t the only love language, but it’s a powerful one.

2.       You will look at other people differently, every time.

3.       All of your relationship thoughts revolve around “when can we have sex?”

Alrighty, number one. SEX ISNT THE ONLY LOVE LANGUAGE, BUT IT’S A POWERFUL ONE. I will completely admit that one of my top love languages is physical touch. (I mean who doesn’t love a good hug of kiss?!) I think its very important, especially inside a serous relationship. But once you have sex IT IS SOMETHING YOU CRAVE. That’s why people keep having it! It feels good, it’s a great workout, and well honestly it makes a lot of people feel of some sort of worth. Sex though, isn’t the only love language for a reason. There are four other love languages because sex can’t hold a real relationship together. Under all the sex is two people who love each other and have other needs. We often see in movies sex depicted as a tool that us sued to control others and make them do things we want We often see it portrayed in this way between people in an office situation or people in power. How much falser could that be? Sex should be a statement, a declaration, a proclamation of love between spouses. It’s a tender moment that shouldn’t be used as a tool to dominate. As we use sex to dominate those, we are having relations with we will have unfulfilling and surface level relationships that will end pretty quickly. 

TWO. YOU WILL LOOK AT OTHER PEOPLE DIFFERENTLY, EVERY TIME. This one, I may be completely alone in… but, I hope that it makes sense and I’m not alone. (Otherwise this is about to get awkward) After I had sex it was very easy to “Undress people with my eyes.” I could easily imagine what people would look like under their clothes, and often it was very uncomfortable. For those of you who have seen pornography or had sex before you were married you maybe will understand this more than those who are married. It becomes quite easy to think about what people look like undressed after you’ve experienced it once. Often times I would find myself thinking about completely other things, and as I would walk by men that I thought were attractive, I would think about “I wonder how good they would be in bed?” “I wonder how good he looks aroused.” And that is just plain wrong. I would hate to think that people think of me that way. Objectifying, me without even knowing me. It was so unfair of me to even think about them that way. I felt so bad and after months of practice and failure, I finally can say that I honestly do not think of men that way anymore. 

   FINALLY, THREE. All of your relationship thoughts revolve around “when can we have sex?”  This one kinda sucks… I’m not going to lie having sex is nice. But trying to get yourself alone long enough to have uninterrupted passionate sex is hard and exhausting (no pun intended). You end up getting so frustrated that you can’t “make it work” that you ultimately feel like your relationship is failing cause youre “not putting out” and you just give up. And you never want to feel like youre giving up on a relationship. Know that if your relationship is just physical… ITS OKAY TO JUST GIVE UP. Youre saving you both a lot of heartache and probably gaining a lot of happiness.

I will ever regret my decision and the consequences I had to deal with because of my action. But I know that because of my decision I am stronger now, a more passionate lover, and a more capable future wife. I have been prepared for my spouse and am a better companion because of my trials.

 Know that If youre struggling with sexual assault, rape, and other sexual harassment you need to tell someone and report it. Also know that if you struggle with pornography addictions of any sort there is plenty of help and so any people that care.

Keep pushing on. 

- Always, 

Malissa.

Nys to be a Saint.