ON THE BLOG -- INADEQUATE.

 I know that normally I have some sort of clever little phrase as my title, but honestly nothing felt quite right. So, later the title might be completely different, but for now this is the only title that felt right. This may be blog post that never really gets the amount of clicks or reads that I hope for, and honestly the process of blogging is only slightly about the clicks. But it mostly is here for everyone to realize they aren't alone. 

If you've been reading the blog since the beginning you've maybe found lots of little Easter eggs about new and upcoming events in my life. But this post will really be more about what has already happened. When I created this blog, it wasn't something to make money. (heck I'm still not making money off of it -- although if someday I did, that would be very cool.)  I actually wasn't sure if this was going to be something that stuck and took off at all. And seeing that I had 500 readers for the first two month that read every post was actually pretty cool. I didn't think I could impact that many people and stop them from their daily scrolling for 5 minutes to read what I'm writing. It was something I started just as a thing to cross off the habitual "new year’s resolution" aspirations list. I wanted to try something new that would be able to exercise the skills I have in writing and journaling. (I honestly probably failed miserably at explaining that) But, alas here we are. All looking through the screen of our reading device, having a very personal conversation with each other. Now, before you decide this isn't worth your time, just hold on. I have something very important to tell you. I maybe say this a lot in the blog but, I believe it’s something that is important for everyone to know. 

YOU. ARE. NOT. ALONE. 

 Youre also not the only one that feels alone and droning most of the time. Everyone has moments when they stop, usually at a red light in the car on the way to the next event they're scheduled for and think "Why do I still do this every day? it doesn't make me happy anymore." Don't get me wrong, we are all going to go through periods of time where we aren't doing things that were passionate about. That doesn't mean to go and quit the job that is keeping you alive. It just means you’re not alone in the feeling of drowning. Ill share with you the one thing that always makes me feel like I'm drowning. 

Every new relationship anyone gets into has its own sets of problems. Some are infected with a terminal illness, some are forbidden loves, some are realistically only physically gratifying, and others are fulfilling in so many ways. But they all have their challenges. Those were all challenges from some of my past relationships. I have come a long way from the first one, but with every relationship I have been in since I have become more insecure and felt more inadequate. WHICH IS OKAY. WE ARE ALL ENTITLED TO FEEL INADEQUATE AND INSECURE. But it was irrational. I believed all the other people around me that I was in "amazing relationships" and that I was " so lucky to have found someone so ---- as him". But, after all the fog wore off and I could see past the rose-colored glasses I was wearing that's when all the destruction happened. There were compromises made and decisions made that honestly should never had been made. The amazing thing about the past though is that we all can learn from it. We can all see who we were, who we were with, who we lost, and who we loved and changed our character for the next time.

I will share a lesson I earned from the latest absolute failure of a relationship. SPACE LIKE LOVE IS SPELLED TIME. When youre a college student in a relationship you often start thinking about what youre using your time for. Am I studying, am I in class, am I eating or sleeping, or am I giving the adequate amount of time to the one I love. With that though, also comes with "Is the only time I'm spending away from my S/O in class or in bed?" We all need a little bit of time to just relax by ourselves. Remember that being passionate about the things you love when youre in a relationship, is OKAY. You are still a single person. Youre not conjoined at the hip. You love each other. Your partner understands that. Just remember the end goal, to be together for longer than youre not together. Sometimes that means understanding that space doesn't mean that there is a lack of love, but a need for personal time to continue to feel love and compassion for each other.  

This lesson for me was really hard to learn because I always felt like I was being pushed away by those I loved. And realistically I was, but it wasn't for a lack of feeling, but for the feeling of independence. Learn from my mistakes and know that alone time can be precious and critical for a healthy relationship. Continue to be passionate people. Continue to love things you once loved. Continue to be yourself. And continue to love others, be compassionate, and co-passionate.  

Till next time 

- Malissa

(Nys to be a Saint)